A Ridiculously Simple Algorithm for Having (Relatively) Successful Disagreements with (Most) People During the Holidays

1. Ask “What would you like to get out of this conversation?” If the answer is something like “to learn what you think” or “to figure out what I think” or “to get to the truth,” proceed to step 2. If it’s nearly anything else, return to the football game or talk about how big the turkey is.
2. Ask “What do you think?” And then listen. See if you can find something to affirm in what you hear. Even if you can’t, try to understand where they’re coming from.
3. Ask “Why do you believe that?” Repeat until you get to a foundational conviction.
4. Describe what they just said back to them in your own words and ask “Am I understanding you correctly?” Repeat until they say “Yes.”
5. Ask “Are you open to reframing that conviction?” If the answer is “No,” you’re done. This person isn’t participating in the conversation in good faith. They don’t want a dialogue, whether they think they do or not. Move on. If you want to maintain the relationship, just be really nice, talk about banal things, and if it comes up again, repeat steps 3 & 4. If the answer is “Yes,” proceed to step 6.
6. Affirm something about their foundational conviction, and describe how you understand it using “I” language. If you can’t find anything to affirm, you probably need to revisit steps 2-4. People are very rarely foundationally committed to things that are wholly irrational or wholly immoral. If you try as hard as you can and conclude that this is one of those rare times, affirm their willingness to engage in the dialogue.
7. Ask “Do you have any questions about how I see it?” Answer any questions graciously, always using “I” language. Repeat until you’re satisfied they’ve understood you.
8. Ask “Can you see that there are other reasonable ways to approach this?” If the answer is “No,” they lied about step 5. See step 5.

If the answer is “Yes,” congratulations! You’ve gotten further than most people ever do in ideological disagreements. Revel in your success.

“That can’t be the end! I haven’t changed their mind yet!” I hear some of you screaming at your screen. Fine.

9. Meditate on why you want to change someone’s mind about something that can probably be reasonably seen in more than one way (see step 6). If you’re sure that your motives are good, proceed to step 10.

10. Decide if you’re willing to commit to the process of seeing the disagreement through. There’s a lot to consider. If everyone is willing, settle in. You’ll probably still be at it when the next holiday rolls around.